WitterOn's Dating Service: Bachelor # 1

Let him eat cake!




One of my best friends in all the world, Gregory Pigott (aka Rod Barnes, as Flanagan always used to call him) was found tailgating before an LSU women's basketball game. I know, how stupid is that!?!

Once, I made the mistake of asking Pigott why he was so enthralled by women's athletics. After he used the phrase "girl sweat" twice, I tuned him out. 15 minutes later I picked the phone back up and he was still talking about Neisa Johnson and Alabama's 95 women's basketball team. I did what every good friend would do at this point--told him to get a damn life and hung up.

Trust me. Not the first time I've told Pigott that, nor will it be the last.

But I'm sure there are some wonderful women who want to know this guy a little better. The man loves Mary J. Blige, so he's gotta be sensitive. He also says he works out on a regular basis, and is quite the cook. I'm into "at least having a good time," notes Pigott. "That's all that matters, dude." Indeed.

He was a key cog in the state champion 1999 Madison Central football team. He is working on his M.A. in Sports Management, and currently works as LSU intramural director. His intramural coaching prowess is widely known. While at Southern Miss, he coached the Inferno--champs for two years running (and pictured below). Pigott wore a suit to coach during the playoffs. "Gotta look the part," he would tell me.




They went on to compete at the Regional tournament in Starkvegas, and almost made it to Nationals. But Pigott's not one to relish in moral victories--"if they slip on their off-season conditioning, I make em run gassers till they can't stand up. There will not be any Johnathan Sullivan Lardasses on my b-ball team." Point well taken.

Gratuitous Abortion Post

Because "Life as I Know It" decided to open the abortion debate up just a bit, I wanted to post a small follow-up.

First, allow me to pose the unanswerable question--when does life begin? conception? Viability? The common law recognized some criminal penalties for aborting a fetus after its "quickening"--the fetus' 1st movements.

That having been said, I'd like to know how everyone feels about the "morning after" pill? As you well know, the pill is undergoing heavy opposition from religious and political leaders, and has yet to be approved by the FDA. This is how it works, along with everything else you ever wanted to know about "emergency contraceptives."

Now let's look at how the normal, everyday, run-of-the-mill birth control pill. As I read it, just as it is with the morning after pill, eggs are often fertilized with nowhere to cling to. Christian Fundamentalists, WE ARE KILLING BABIES!

All the information you need to become versed in contraceptive methodology is at your disposal. Now you must decide for yourself, should be embrace the Roman Catholic belief that contraceptives have no place in modern society, or should we just let people have sex?

The Man Code

Rules to live by--my apologies if this has already been included in one of Melissa's many forwards.

Some of you might find Rule #1 disturbing--but push on, you'll realize you've actually lived by some of them.

A Night at Chucktarlos' (Ode to Chuck): The Quazi-dudes: Volume #1

Since the Powers that Be (errr... Thew) recently ruled that only Charter members were full-blooded dudes, i have decided to focus on the half-breeds (Cause again, would Cray be able to fulfill his duditorial duties without Chandler's financial backing? Surely you jest!) in another series brought to you exclusively by WitterOn. Without these guys, the organization affectionately, and sometimes resentfully, known as the dudes just wouldn't be what is has become.
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For Chuck, years of perseverance had paid off. Not even a secondary degree from Thew's most-hated institution, M-State, could keep him from becoming an intricate part of the dudes--"so necessary," if you will. So, here the two were, deeply engrossed in a spirited match of the game Chinamen are most passionate about. And as the ping-pong ball clipped the side of the table Thew cried out in what has become a redundant, yet appropriate, phrase--"Geez. You Buckstered me, again."

The scene would seem eerily homoerotic to an outside party, but somewhere behind CantarLos, nestled between a cooler of soured Miller High Life and two large, attentive Golden Labs, Hunter smiles and nods his approval. At the same time,"crowd skinny" Creighton slides through the door speaking to whomever will listen, "no...see, now that he's on house arrest, the Hot-chick is never going to do it with the Yard boy again. But at least Peter Brady is getting some action." In the dining room table on the other side of the door, Lenwa is boring Buckley with his plans of fail-proof financial success--"I can get the land for $3,300 an acre...but you want to clear title so..." In the next room, Critter is kicking my ass in pool as Y101 plays a 3 Doors Down song for the 4th time since I've been here.

Nothing was really special about the night, but good times were had by each dude in attendance. Their collective happiness wasn't wrought through ping-pong or pool(though both are damn, good games), a flat-screen television with digital cable, good food, cold beer, or women (since there were none to be found...damn it.). No. The joy comes from the incomparable hosting skills--the quality and classiness, of the Chucktarlos--the dude that came too late.

So if you see the Chuck out and about over the course of the weekend, buy the man a drink, and let him talk about duck hunting as long as he wants. He's put up with us on a daily basis, whether Thew's the only one of us he really likes or not. Either way, he's earned it (the shish- kebobs are always fantismo).

Heres to you, Chuckles.

Memphis In (April and ) May Lineup Announced...

and it looks pretty stacked. As for Hip-hop, some guy that where's a band-aid on his face will be on the main stage Saturday night.



Book your hotel rooms for April 29-May 1. And if you like the less crowded scene, I go to the Barbecue Festival later in the month every year.

So I'm thinking about spending a good part of my month in Memphis. Any takers?

The Bachelorette Finale: Proof Women (with the exception of those who read this blog) Suck

 

I must say that last night was a two-hour dissappointment. Our young Bachelorette Jen dumped John Paul during the first hour, and told Jerry during the second hour that he would have to wait a couple of months to see if their feelings would last. Still, things were looking up.


And so was the build up that led us to the live hour-long in-studio show. For the 1st 20 minutes, ABC brought back John Paul, who was obviously still shocked that Jen didnt choose him after "all they had been through" during their three weeks together. Try to get past the fact that this guy bought a 56,000 dollar engagement ring for her (did I mention he's 25, thanks, dad!)which made it painfully obvious that he sucks enough already--he actually said last night he had gotten past the "hate" he had in his heart after he was "betrayed" by Jen.

Yeah, dude, you are normal. Newsflash. You tried to get married (or is it 'find true love?')on a gameshow. When asked how he "strategized" during the game he responded, "like Jen and I were the only people on the show. I never even considered this a competition." Whoops.

What the dude really believes is that he is the onlly guy who exists in the world. Want proof? After his rejection, he returned the limo and screamed "your loss." I'm confused. If you really loved her, douchebag, and if she was that great a gal, wouldn't that make it your loss?

He then spent the rest of his 20 minutes repeating over and over that he "had put it all out there" in regards to Jen--and had been rejecting. Welcome to my world, ass.

Meanwhile, my faith was completely restored in the female gender. Jen saw right through John Paul and would surely accept Jerry's proposal. Once they ushered John Paul off, they brought out Jerry with his own ring burning a whole in his inside suit pocket. He modestly proclaimed himself the most nervous guy in america.


The bride-to-be emerged from backstage. May I say that while Jen photographs well, they could have done a little better job with her make-up tonight. Then it all happened so fast. Jerry teasingly inquired, "so...what do you want me to do with this?" As he pulled out the ring. And as abruptly as she she quipped, "I thought we both decided WE'D BE BETTER OFF AS FRIENDS."

What made the whole thing particularly awkward is that Jerry sat as stunned as the rest of America. In addition, Jerry is the most elequent of impromptu speakers. For the past month, as least in front of the cameras, he constantly, yet sincerely, built Jen up every moment they spent hands-clasped. Contrast that to Jen, who remember has had two months to prepare what she's going to say to Jerry, and still managed to feed him only the most tired line in all of history. The same line that I saw a girl use on MTV's Made two nights ago.

My sister reiterated what had been running through my mind for about 2 seconds, "you have got to be kidding me?" And then she added (and after giving it some thought, I would have to agree), "but he is so hot!?!!"

Emily, Jerry is more than hot. Jerry represented the hopes and dreams of many-a- bachelor in our great nation. And we are all left with the stark reality than none of us are going to be good enough, because you people don't even know what good enough is...

The long and short of it is, Jen sucked! She couldn't give a reason, other than "it isn't any one thing. If it's not there, its not there. He knew it wasn't there-- didn't you?"

But give it up for Jerry--he played it perfect. Unlike John Paul, as the audience sat breathlessly mortified by what had (not) transpired, he reasserted, "this is an amazing woman. She showed me that I could love again. And for that I am ever grateful." Hollywood couldn't have done any better, Jerry--you just cemented most eligible bachelor status, and all-but assured your spot on ABC's The Bachelor in the future. However, something tells me Jerry is done with the love roller coaster that is this series--only time will tell.

In the end, yes, she was able to turn down a dude which makes me look like Napoleon D. pre-election day. What are we supposed to do now? Or is that decent females will see the few qualities that lie in each of us?